Choices of the heart

Many people tell me they couldn't do what I did... Leave their family, their country, their lives and move across the Earth forever. When I met Mark, after a failed marriage, I felt like I had won the relationship lottery... I fell so hard in love I would have followed this man anywhere... And I did. I left my apartment, my work as an investment banker, my large family and my friends and moved to Irvine, California, where my prince charming had been reassigned to his former F-18 fighter plane squadron.

It wasn't easy. I spoke english fluently, but I struggled with the cultural differences. I remember Mark taking me out to a comedy show shortly after arriving in the US, and how absolutely awkward and out of place I felt when I couldn't understand the jokes... Only 3 months after moving here, my hubby was deployed to Japan for six months. I was left alone, with no family or friends to comfort me, support me, look after me. Food became my comfort and I gained 10 pounds in one month... Thank goodness for the military wives who took me under their wings... I would have been lost without them!! I would get a call at least once a week checking up on me, and was encouraged to attend socials and getting to know other wives.

I tried to find a job, fired up dozens of resumes and sent them off. I figured a degree in Economics, an MBA, some experience in banking and the fact that I spoke four languages fluently would give me a good push... I didn't even get called for an interview!! One of the few people who had the courtesy to call me back told me they preferred to hire people with at least one year of experience in the US... I couldn't help but ask him how I was supposed to get a year of experience if no one gave me the chance to start??!!

 Just about a month into Mark's deployment, I  received a call from a dentist's office I had been to. She proceded to tell me there was a problem with my insurance coverage. I had no idea how to solve the situation, and this woman, frustrated with my inability to understand what she was saying,  became so verbally abusive towards me I was left sobbing...

I remember one time, after I finally started doing some temporary work, I invited some new aquaintances for a little get together at my house. The day finally came, and I was absolutely crushed when no one showed up! When I later inquired about it, I was told that since I had not confirmed the event, they weren't sure it was on... I had no idea you had to confirm an invitation!! I thought once was enough!!

Our nomadic military lives made it hard to set up roots... In the first eight years of marriage alone we lived in eight different homes and three different countries... I have always made an effort to make a home of where we were, and create a well adjusted, happy life for my children... But it was hard making friends and saying goodbye to them over and over again...

A few years ago I met a fellow European ex-pat... I asked if she liked living here. She sad she did, but I was struck but what she said next: she told me that even after eleven years she did not feel completely at home... I suddenly realized I could relate... Don't get me wrong, I love the live I have created, my family is my heart and I am surrounded by friends and I do feel feel at home.... Most of the time!! But there is an aching part of my heart that never lets go of my roots... There is a part of me that misses my family, my friends, my language, my country... When I think of the word home, I see a fork in the road, a split path...  But do I  really have two homes or am I stuck in between the two paths...?Am I  "too late" for one but "too early" for the other, no longer part of one but not quite a part of the other yet...?  Still, to this day, there are times when I feel like an alien who was just beamed down from a space ship, like some teenager left out of a high school clique,  like someone floating in a bubble looking in to the world... These are the times when I feel the need to nest, when I would rather stay in, when my friends probably don't hear from me as often as they normally would, when I find myself dwelling on nostalgic memories and life's paradoxes...

There are times when I still stare at my kids while they speak a language that is not mine and think "how utterly strange..."  I still feel, in many aspects, very different than most other moms, I don't wear makeup, I let my teenagers watch rated R rated movies, I still don't yet know what I want to be when I grow up....

There are times when I think of my aging parents and feel sad that I am not around... I cannot tell you how jealous I am of anyone who lives within a driving distance to their moms!!! I wonder about my growing nephews and nieces, my friends and their children... Part of me wonders what my life would have been if I had never left.... What job I would have, who I would have married, what my children would have looked like... I am reminded of one of my favorite books, "The Unbearable Lightness of Being", by Milan Kundera. In this novel, Tomas is agonizing over the decision to whether be with a girl he barely knows or not... Here is one of my favorite excerpts:

"He remained annoyed with himself until he realized that not knowing what he wanted was actually quite natural. We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come. Was it better to be with Tereza or to remain alone?

There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes , without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always like a sketch. No, "sketch" is not quite the word, because a sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch for nothing, an outline with no picture.

Einmal ist keinmal, says Tomas to himself. What happens but once, says the German adage, might as well not have happened at all. If we have only one life to live, we might as well not have lived at all."

I only have this one life to live, this one shot... I have absolutely no regrets about the choices I have made, I am still madly in love with the man who changed my life forever... It was all so worth it... Just look at my beautiful children!! I have learned, throughout the years, to turn my aching nostalgia into a force, a burning commitment to make this life the best life possible...  I strive daily to love life fully, and to make those around me feel that love too... I choose to be happy, to be at peace!! I have always been a "half cup full" kind of gal, and I will always be... I give thanks for all my blessings, I may not have riches of the material kind, but my heart is full of riches of the important kind... I would choose nothing more...